Attention: this article is long but necessary, I tried to be as clear as possible and make humor from time to time so that it is a little more cheerful. I also give advice throughout the article, some will think that I take them for beginners or ignorant but, within my readers, I have people who are beginners, who have little experience or never had a relationship. I prefer for them to arrive at the beginning of their sexual life with good information. And there are also people of 50 years who don’t know 10% of all this. If I wrote this article, it’s because it’s was necessary, trust me!
Today I wanted to talk about condoms and unprotected sex, it was in my head for a while because we have very frequently requests to make «the total without condom». Sometimes it’s people who don’t care about diseases or contaminating someone (for me it’s the equivalent of the guy who drives at 150km/h in town saying «Gneugneu is my right if I want, if I want to die it’s my business» while not at all John-Schumacher, you put other people in danger but you have nothing to do, it’s as simple as that) but sometimes it’s people who are not really aware of what are the risks.
Condoms and sexually transmitted infections
Most requests for sex without a condom are followed by the argument “because I feel nothing/it makes me lose my erection”. To convince me that I risk NOTHING to frolic without protection, the men will use different justifications. We will study the most common ones together and see how these thoughts tell us a lot about misconceptions in terms of sexual health and prevention.
«But I take care of myself, my doctor made me do the test 8 months ago, I have nothing».
I’m happy for you but it doesn’t count for our appointment. Testing is good, it’s important to do it regularly and not only HIV but all other STIs (Sexually Transmitted Infections). We do these tests when we have a relationship with a person, whether it is a romantic or lovers’ relationship, an urge from 2 partners who trust each other enough to put aside the condom. I don’t know you, so I can’t trust you as much as if we’d been eating croissants in bed on Saturday mornings for three years. And even if we have already met a few times, it’s not possible for me to ignore the condom in this type of meetings. I have a private life, lovers who trust me to manage my work and its risks, I don’t want to play with their sense of security for a few euros.
“I can do a test a little before the meeting to prove that it’s ok”
You can if it makes you happy, but it won’t change the way I receive you. Between the test and our meeting, nothing shows that you have not had risky relationships and promising me on the Bible or on the menu of the Room Service will not convince me.
– “My HIV test is negative
– What about other STIs?
– What other STIs?“
Unfortunately, syphilis didn’t disappear with the death of Charles Baudelaire. It’s doing very well in the last news, as many of his STI girlfriends, since many people thought they were dead and buried.
Most of them are well treated, but to be treated they must first be detected. Sometimes a client who have a wife/girlfriend asks for sex without condoms, swearing me that he always asks for HIV tests from his partners. Not getting tested for other STIs is putting your official partner at risk of being infected. There are serious consequences to some STIs (chlamydia can cause infertility for women or problems during pregnancy, so I assure you that it is not necessary to ruin maternity wishes for 10 minutes of pleasure). In France, you can go to a Ceggid, it’s free and anonymous (since Covid it is was easier to get an interview with the Pope than an appointment with them, I heard that it gets better but you can ask your doctor for an prescription). In any cases, please, don’t lie to the doctor/nurse. If you lie, it may miss certain tests that could have been important such as samples from the throat, anus or urine tests. If you are afraid of saying that you see SW, you can say that you do libertine parties, the most important thing is that you can talk honestly about your practices.
“You’re the only one in my life besides my wife, no need to do tests, we can do without the condom”
Maybe that’s true. Maybe it’s not. I don’t want to question the truth of your statement. Stress is bad for excitement. I have seen in the past, clients who told me that and I realized by talking with colleagues that the same man had tried the same method in appointments with them.
“You can see if we have an STI, you will see that I have nothing weird on my penis/my body“
I don’t know if I really need to go into that part. In fact, yes, I know because I regularly see people writing this type of comment at colleagues or on internet. Even during my activity I have heard things like “When a guy gets wet from his penis it means he has an STI. Look, I have nothing so I don’t have an STI.” The STIs are very often asymptomatic and that is why it is problematic: people do not get tested because they do not feel “sick”.
And…what about pregnancy?
When a man asks a partner not to wear condoms, I feel like he often thinks of STIs but rarely babies. Because yes, penis inside a vagina = potential risk of pregnancy, I think I don’t teach you anything.
When I find myself in this kind of situation, I like to ask ironically how we will do for the child’s custody (I always take Christmas anyway, it’s non-negotiable, you start to know my passion for this time of year. This child will know all the retro Christmas songs before even knowing how to walk and from November 1st he will hear THAT every day), if he has already think about names or if he wants to come this weekend to my parents so that I present the future father of my children. Then I sometimes send a detailed invoice of the style:
• Taking the morning-after pill and 3 weeks without income due to side effects: X euros
• In case of pregnancy (the morning-after pill is not 100% effective) I ask for X euros for abortion and its consequences on my health and my activity
• In case of pregnancy carried to term (denial of pregnancy or inability to abort), I ask for X euros/month during pregnancy, X euros/month until the child’s 18 years and then X euros/month for his higher education
Usually, the future father of my child passes under a tunnel after that. Too bad, I already had a name in mind…
In short, jokes aside, when Mr-Future-Father-of-My-Child does not pass under a tunnel, he likes to argue. Let’s look at his main arguments:
“But you just have to take the birth control pill, right?“
Taking this pill is not as simple and harmless as eating a Dragibus (well, it depends if you have diabetes it may not be terrible but I don’t have one and I love Dragibus, my favorite ones are black!). Taking the pill means having to be followed by a gynecologist/midwife every year, it’s the side effects (and the side effects of side effects such as bullying on weight gain or lack of libido), it means having to think every day about taking it, it’s the anxiety when we forget about it and have to take the morning-after pill, it’s having to run through pharmacies and get some mean comments (I was already refused because I “had only to be more serious”)… It is a great step forward in the fight for women’s rights but it is also a responsibility that we often find ourselves managing alone.
So, a little advice for your relationships: think about how you could take charge of the contraception of your couple. This can be sharing or paying for contraception, taking care of the pill reminders, going to the pharmacy, attending medical appointments, being a little caring when side effects are important, learn about contraception for you like the Slip Chauffant (HERE) or consider vasectomy if you don’t want/more children (no, it will not take away your virility). Anyway, it’s up to you to discuss with your partner and see what is best for both of us.
“You can take the morning-after pill.“
I can assure you that I know at least one man who will never say this, he is the one who shares my life. Why? Because he was there when I had to take it twice and he saw how sick it made me: nausea, vomiting, severe mood disorders, dizziness, cycle disorder, etc. Since he puts incredible pats when a friend has a speech a little too light on the morning pill, it is really nice to see!
It’s a fantastic tool, an incredible invention but I can’t stand men who use it to justify their desire for «nature».
Advice for your personal life: if, following a problem, your partner must take the morning-after pill, offer to participate financially then check after her to see if she has side effects and/or if she needs something.
“Louise, there are other methods of contraception too huh!“
Yes John-Einstein, things like condoms for example…
More seriously, there is a panel of contraceptive methods (and it’s very cool) except that hormones don’t do good to everyone and non-hormonal contraceptives are also not suitable for everyone. So, it’s up to the people who are taking contraception to decide what is best for them, not to the partners to decide based on what is best for them.
“With me, no worries: I am vasectomized”
Bravo, it is good when a man takes charge of contraception! But for all the reasons mentioned in the first part of this article it will still be NO.
In summary:
You will understand: I will not take a contraceptive so that my lovers have more pleasure. However, my case is not a generality, everyone must be able to put everything in the balance and see what suits them best: some people will prefer to take the pill, others combine condom + pill, others will choose the sterilization… In short, what matters is that the choice is informed and not pushed by one of the 2 partners who thinks of his pleasure first.
It always troubles me when men ask to do without condoms and want to rely only on their partner. Because it is also important to know that no method of contraception (pill, IUD, implants, etc.) is 100% effective, I know an incalculable number of friends who have had pregnancies under contraceptive. For those who ask for nature, it does not seem to be much, once without a condom, but for us it can be months of trouble, even years, for those who will have to carry their pregnancy to term (denial of pregnancy or refusal/impossibility to abort) or for whom the abortion was traumatic.
So, I appreciate and thank the partners who take responsibility, accept my way of managing my uterus and don’t ask me for unprotected sex. It is true that the condom is not ideal, even for me, but at least I am much more relaxed and I can enjoy our time together.
Love is a dance for two, so are care, contraception, and protection.
Being a perfect lover during our meetings
Personally, a perfect lover is someone who:
• has learned about prevention and can share his needs and limitations with me or wants to discuss things, ask questions
• knows how to put a condom correctly
• knows that if he loose his erection, there are risks for the condom to slip away and therefore, takes care of this
• doesn’t judge colleagues on what they do or don’t: each one does as she can/wants and if that doesn’t suit you, see another escort
• doesn’t make a «joke» like «Oh zut! the condom has slipped/ broken! No, I’m joking hahahah» because it is not funny. I think directly about morning-after pill, side effects, anxiety, pregnancy tests, abortion… So, I can tell you that after that my libido is as low as the sight of a star-nosed mole.
• is careful during the act that the condom is well in place and even take a break to change it (especially in cases where you get very wet, this can make it slide) and who also takes care to maintain the condom when leaving after ejaculation
Sexually transmitted infections and shame
It’s also important to realize that once you have an active sex life, you are exposed to some STIs even while protecting yourself. That’s why you need to get tested regularly in order to be treated quickly in case of positive results. Some people have lots of partners and never had anything, while others have few partners and one day find themselves with a positive test result (a good example is the papillomavirus which affects 70 to 80% of people). I think it’s important to be able to talk about it without shame because shame is what makes people not want to talk about protection with their partner (“Why do you want to wear a condom? You have an STI, right?”), to avoid testing or not wanting to discuss a positive result.
Even if it can be a little scary, I think you should not be too paralyzed either, otherwise you do nothing (this applies to all areas of life in reality, you can die by eating a raclette but I take the risk!). However, I think it’s important to be informed enough to make your own decisions about risk reduction and talk about them with your partners.
Je vous embrasse !
