I would be tempted to say “when we die” but if you believe in heaven and hell, you may see further. After all, someone predicted that I would end up at Satan’s house having orgies with the CEO of Coca-Cola (for some people, selling one’s charms is more or less equivalent on a moral level to poisoning the planet and humans with a soft drink, I’m not judging, everyone has their own beliefs). So, maybe my sexuality will end when I die, maybe not.
However, if some predict fabulous sex in rivers of Coke for me, we must face the facts: for a large part of society, sexuality stops well before that. Like before paradise, before death, before the retirement home, sometimes before menopause… In short, we don’t really know where this limit is but there is one, you just have to look around us to realize that there is an age where “having fun” is no longer really tolerated.
Representations of sexuality after a certain age
If it is accepted, even highly recommended, to have a sex life as an adult, we feel that society has stuck a big expiration date label on our butts.
“It’s not your age anymore!”
After a certain age, we consider that people (and especially women, question of education but if I go there we will have 15 more pages and I have a life, you too so we will skip this part there) are no longer interested in “the thing”. Priorities would no longer be the same: elderly people would find pleasure in making cakes for their grandchildren or in planting geraniums. Their emotional and sexual life would now only involve holding hands or kissing each other on the cheek. That’s okay, it’s cute but we can’t imagine them going any further. We refuse to believe grandma’s turning pages and turning up the heat with her book club friend. However, fantasies, desires and sexual imagination don’t stop at a given age, they can be present until death. I’ve read that we would evolve towards something softer, more peaceful, less “sexual” as we age. This is often set as a norm, valid for everyone (which implies that if we have different desires, it’s not “normal”). Off course some people find fulfillment in walking hand in hand on the beach at sunset, but maybe we could also stop telling people how they should think about their sexuality after 60? Whether Granny wants a romantic walk or a hot sex party, after all, who cares except her and her partner(s)?
In short, if every day society and those around us make us understand that sex after a certain age is bad, disgusting, that we must limit ourselves to chaste kisses on the cheek, how can we not be disturbed by ours own desires? How can you not decide to put your sexuality in a box in the closet (between the boxes “dream of a career in the music hall” and “dream of going to New York”)?
“Your body is no longer desirable”
We also live in a world which mainly highlights young, flawless bodies (or older bodies often modified with scalpel or Photoshop). In magazines, on the internet, in advertisements, in films, we tend to always hire young people. Sell yogurt? A young woman. Sell a car? A young father. After the age of 60, we barely have the right to be hired for commercials for urinary leaks, for stair lifts and to star in The Young and the Restless (and even then, if we have “aged well”).
Sometimes wrinkles, spots, white hair, scars appear on TV but it is only to promote creams and treatments intended to make them disappear. It is not a question of accepting the passage of time, we must fight it.
https://www.cairn.info/revue-gerontologie-et-societe1-2012-1-page-23.htm
“However, the consumer society suggests that it is possible to combat the effects of aging (Boëtsch, 2010), and this, through injunctions. The natural decline of the body must be combatted because it can be combatted by the products and services created for this purpose. The loss of beauty as we age is no longer an inexorable consequence of advancing age, it is now considered a lack of discipline and willpower (Featherstone, 1994). “Looking old” also means “letting yourself go”, and working on appearances requires effort and control, firmness of both mind and body. Appearance is a reflection of the moral qualities of the individual.“
(Yes because I got lost in the academic writings on aging, I’ll share with you a little of my findings)
We come back a little to what I said in the article on the relationship with our body: these collective representations have an impact on the relationship we have with ourselves because they unconsciously dictate what is desirable and what is not. How can we imagine getting naked and having a relationship with someone if we don’t feel attractive?
(Please note: my point is not to attack people who use surgery or cosmetic treatments, nor those who have decided to not use them. And in my opinion, no one should judge others on this type of thing given the society in which we evolve.)
Other concerns
During this period, it is also true that we could face physical and/or hormonal disorders which can have a significant impact on our sexuality. We can partly alleviate certain problems such as erectile dysfunction or vaginal dryness. Unfortunately, it’s still too taboo to ask your GP for treatment to have sex with your boyfriend when you’re 80 years old or to ask your surgeon how to do sex with an ostomy bag when you are 70 years old.
The retirement home
Even if we talk about it more and more, sexuality after a certain age remains a big taboo in our society, however “la cerise sur le cupcake” arrives when we push the door of the retirement homes.
If we can still manage to get by when we live at home, when we go to a retirement home, having a sex life is a bit like a Koh-Lanta of the 3rd age. The lack of privacy, single beds, families, health personnel… everything becomes a barrier to intimate life.
Afterwards we are socked to have surprised Madame Marie sneaking through the corridors in the middle of the night, like a teenager, to go visit Madame Lucie. Do you realize?! Yes, but Madame Marie, she perhaps had a heterosexual marriage to please everyone and now, she wants to take advantage of Monsieur Marie’s death to FINALLY go to bed with a woman. Who knows? And who are we, as children, grandchildren or caregivers to decide to take away the opportunity to satisfy their emotional and relational needs? Who are we in general to decide that there is an expiration date on intimacy, affection, hugs, human warmth and naughty pleasure? (I really need to get out of this lockdown, it brings out my revolutionary impulses too much (I’m French so it’s in my DNA like loving wine and cheese), I am about to transforme retirement homes into brothels)
Well, I’ll stop there, I could still write 45 pages (on the role of families, on older homosexual or trans people, on the increase in STI contamination in this population because prevention campaigns did not have it them, on love rooms in Quebec retirement homes, on sexuality when certain pathologies like Alzheimer’s impact cognitive functions, on widowhood and isolation…) but I think I have disturbed more than one with my obsession about sexuality and old age. This is absolutely not gerontophilia. Basically, I just wanted to talk about people who contact me but “think they’re too old”, then things escaped me and I wrote 5 pages, as usual. So, let’s go back to our business!
So, what about us ?
As I said, I sometimes get comments from men who consider themselves “too old” and/or who are afraid of “disgusting” me because of their looks. So, let’s be clear, I’m not necessarily putting a 60 years old man and an 80 years old man on the same level, but I wanted to talk about everything related to our age difference and to the apprehensions linked to this.
As I said before and also in my post on the relationship with the body, I have no problems with people who are not the “norm” (young, thin, muscular, able-bodied, etc.). So, I want to reassure you once again on this point, really don’t be afraid of that with me.
You may be embarrassed by the age difference. I totally understand that could be a blockage for you and I would never force you to do something that would make you uncomfortable. If you are not at ease with nudity and intimacy, we could meet simply around a good meal and spend our time talking all the night. Thanks to this activity I was able to have wonderful platonic relationships which allowed me to meet lovely people that I might not have been able to meet in my private life.
You may be blocked by being seen in public with me, by fear of what others will think about us. If I can reassure you on one point, our table neighbors are not likely to mistake us for a French remake of the famous couple Anna Nicole Smith and J. Howard Marshall. First of all because I am neither blonde nor busty but above all because I like discretion. All they will see are 2 friends who remake the world while tasting a good wine.
You may be embarrassed about making love with me because you are experiencing some “mechanical problems”. Making love is not limited to penetration, we can perfectly find our happiness with other practices but also with hugs, massages, caresses, tenderness… You can read my full article about that HERE
You may want to meet me but you are in a retirement home, hospital or residence for the elderly. We may not do everything we want to do, but if you need cuddles and human warmth, I’m totally up for it.
In short, if you have this sort of obstacle, I encourage you to contact me so we can discuss what we can do to have a pleasant meeting.
My own expiry dates
If it can reassure you, I have not one but two expiration dates stamped on my pretty butt. The same as yours, which is approximately between 50 and 100, and the one that is linked to my activity. Since I started, people kept telling me “do a real job/study/save money because it won’t last” (I had already graduated from nursing school but ok). I tried to find out when my use-by date was and I am happy to tell you that I am right there given that people place it between 30 and 35 years. Damn! So, what am I going to do?
I considered several options, such as marrying an old millionaire who would mysteriously disappear and leave me a beautiful castle in which I could enjoy a peaceful retirement. I would create a shelter to save former racehorses and I would make cakes and plant geraniums like any self-respecting old woman. If you are old and very rich, do not hesitate to apply.
Please know that I would also be very happy with an English cottage.
Or with a Victorian house
In reality, maybe I have a little too much faith in humanity but I like to think that not all men stop seeing women when they passed an age. I don’t know what the future will bring, however I want to continue my job as long as I like and not put my lingerie in the closet at 35 because someone predicted me a miserable life if I ignore this expiration date. Who knows? Maybe some of my lovers will come play bridge with me on Sundays at the retirement home (no, I’m kidding, you’ll help me run away and we’ll go drink champagne by the Garonne while watching the sun go down) .
Je vous embrasse
