There is a subject that I’ve really wanted to talk about for years. A subject that is almost at the center of our relationships: the body. Mine, yours, and that of my colleagues.
I’ve started writing this article a long time ago but I didn’t finish it. I think it’s a good idea to do it now as I see a huge number of lousy articles about “how not gain weight in lockdown” or “how to take advantage of the lockdown to built a beach body before summer”.
So, depending on the time you are reading it, grab a cup of tea and a packet of Pailles d’Or (my favorites French cookies) or a glass of wine (and the bottle because it’s a long article) with some peanuts and let’s go!
We have been raised in a society that put a lot of pressure from an early age to have a perfect body, a body that suits to certain norms. Women have more pressure but men are not spared from that. If you are here, reading my article, it’s certainly because we are going to see each other undressed, except if you want to book me to play Scrabble (but I need to warn you that I’m really good at that game, thank you GrandMa for the hard training). So I thought it might be interesting to talk about our relationship with the body
Like every woman in our societies, I’ve been encouraged since my young age to stick to some beauty norms with the help of diets, sport, pills, deprivations, self-deprecation, slimming and anti-cellulite creams, etc. How many hours and how much energy spent chasing the “perfect body” !
And if this self-pressure wasn’t enough, I also had to deal with people’s comments about my weight or what I ate: “Hum… You’ve put on weight, haven’t you?“, “I see you enjoyed yourself at Christmas!“, “You should do more sport”, “You shouldn’t wear that kind of clothes, your ove handles are showing” etc. I thought it would be interesting to talk a little about these famous comments and their consequences.
First of all, I’ve always wondered if people who made these comments really thought it would miraculously make the other person lose weight in three months. It could be like an electric shock, yes, but most of the time we already know we need to lose weight or do more sport, and we already feel bad about it. So adding another comment is like putting crème fraîche in carbonara: unnecessary and potentially really traumatic.
People usually do these kinds of comments with people they know (if you are the type of person who makes comment on a perfect stranger’s body, I really encourage you to build on the lockdown and work on that): most often, if you lose weight, you’ll receive congratulations and if you put on weight, you will be criticized. However, body evolutions can happen for different reasons, sometime positives, sometime negatives.
Let me give you some examples to illustrate my point:
I had a friend who had been overweight for years but he didn’t mind, he felt great like that. One day he had a huge heartache and started to lose weight. A lot of weight. People around him were really happy for him, they congratulated him every day and asked him his sport/diet advices while the fact was he suffered so much he couldn’t eat. Everybody was focused on his body and not on his mental health
I had another friend who was really lean, he was somebody always stressed, who struggled with precarity and had a bad relationship. One day he met a sweet girl, shortly after he was hired in a good company. His anxieties left him and he started put on weight. His closes friends were happy, because they knew that his weight was a good thing but he received a lot of bad comments from other people…when for the first time in years he was truly fulfilled
I am going to tell you a not really funny story but I think it’s important to understand why you better do not make comment on people’s body. A friend of mine had been raped few years ago and she chose to not tell that to everybody. Like a lot of victims, she had to struggle with PTSD and in her case, she lost a lot of weight really quickly. She tried her best to put on weight after that but after months without results, she decided to just make peace with her body and let it do whatever it wants. While she was struggling with PTSD, some people started to make comments on her weight loss “you better eat more!”, “stop doing these stupid diets”, “Your body is not really pretty with this weight loss”, etc. In your opinion, how did she fell about all these comments? (Let me spoil you: she was not feel good). Once, I saw her get mad at a friend who had told her that he “preferred her before” her weight loss… She cracked and told him the reason of her slimming. He was mortified and since that day he has stopped making comments on peoples’ bodies.
The last example is about me. Few years ago, I decided to stop using birth control pill to see what was the effects on my body. I felt more freedom, my breast stopped swelling every month (if the idea seems nice, I can assure you that it’s a real torture when just walking causes you pain to bring tears to your eyes), I was less hungry, my libido came back and I also noticed that I had deflated a bit, feeling lighter and more comfortable. In summary, it was 100% positive! Except that I had some comments on my weight loss and, of course, about my breast loss. No matter how much I explained how better I was, all some saw was that I had lost a breast size and found that “less pretty”.
With that in mind, you understand why I prefer not to say anything about a body change because I don’t know what can be behind it. In fact, generally, I think it’s pretty weird to express an opinion about peoples’ bodies
In my activity I really appreciate when my lovers are in the same frame of mind because, even if I have a body which stick to some physical norms, I’m not spared by reflections. I can lose weight really easily even if I love pizza, raclettes, peanut butter or a good glass of wine (yes, I confess, it’s more than just ONE glass), etc. I’m a “bonne vivante”! However, sometime, for different reasons, I lose weight.
But I can reassure you: I have a wonderful entourage and everybody do his best to help me to gain some weight (raclettes in winter and kilos of mozzarella in summer).
I am not responsible of my loss weight so when a man tells me something like “ah…you lost weight… I preferred your body before/you seem sick/it’s not pretty/etc.” I can be sad. These comments won’t make me gain 5kg in a heartbeat but it can hurt me or gives me a complex. You never know which could be behind this lose weight and I don’t have to explain what’s happen in my private life. Maybe I had a death in my entourage? Or maybe I experienced bad things? Maybe I have a heartache or I lost a friend?
I am speaking about me but it’s the same for my colleagues. I’m always angry when a man affords to criticize another girl because she “is too fat/has cellulite/put on weight/etc.”. What are you looking for by doing this? That I agree and start criticize with you? Never! I stand with my colleagues, always. The other thing is that it’s going to daunt me. I understand that everybody has his preferences, we could discuss about that for hours but what I want to say here is that it’s not because somebody is not your personal taste that you have the right to tell her that you don’t like her body. I see a lot of colleagues who receive messages about their weight, their shape, their breast size, etc.
The human being can really make me depress.
I don’t like Brussels sprouts however I will never insult a person who eats it next to me. I mean, that would be weird, wouldn’t it?
I’m talking about weight variations but it’s the same for:
- Stretch marks: almost every woman has some on her body. They’re not only caused by pregnancy or weight gain, they can also appear because of your skin type, certain treatments that cause swelling, rapid growth during the teenage years, or sometimes because we enjoy our weightlifting sessions a little too much. Personally, I find them beautiful; I see them as delicate white tattoos that tell the story of our bodies. But we have to face facts: for many people, stretch marks are still not viewed positively. For the record, I once had a 60-year-old man tell me that a 19-year-old colleague was lying about her age because, in his opinion, “Stretch marks only appear after 25 or when you’re pregnant. I know she doesn’t have children, so she must be older than 25!” I was speechless at first, then tried to explain why stretch marks can appear for many reasons, but he was convinced he was right..
- Cellulite: 90% of women have cellulite. It’s not a matter of taking care of our body, you have it even if you have a healthy diet, even if you go to the gym every day. It can be caused by genetic, hormonal and blood/lymphatic circulation, etc. Let’s normalize it!
- Hairs: it’s a natural thing. If you don’t like it, I encourage you to question yourself about it and above all: please, stop making comments if you come across a woman (IRL, on social media, etc.) who had decided to let grow her hair.
I could go on with more examples but I think you understand my point.
Some people are looking for a companion with a “perfect body” but understand that what seems perfect for you is not necessarily the perfection for another one. I mean, for some men I’m too thin, for others I’m to fat, for some I’ve not enough breast/booty, for others I’ve a “big booty”, for some I’m not enough muscular, for others I’m too muscular, etc. Anyway, you can have a “perfect body” in your mind but it’s going to be difficult to find it in real life because everybody is different and bodies can change with the time, with hazards of life, with menstrual cycles, etc.
If a colleague or if me are not in your taste, there is no point in coming to criticize us because what you don’t like will be really appreciate by another (and also because I’m sure you can do better with your free time). If a see a tall stranger in the street I’m not going to tell him that I don’t like him because he is too tall (yes that seems absurd but let’s face the truth: every comment about others’ body is absurd). A lot of people like tall men so why would he need my opinion?
After talking about all of that, we can discuss on you and your body. You will appreciate that I’m not going to tell “I base my selection on your BMI and your percentage of body fat” or “You have a discount of 20% if you have a six-pack”
I wanted to do this post because I have noticed that some of you apologize for not having a “perfect body”: “I put on weight but I promise I’ll lose it before our date”, “I’m not an handsome man, do you still accept me?”, “I do sport but despite that, I’m overweight”, “I have to warn you: I’m obese”, etc. But sometimes it’s about other parts of the body: some of you ask if they need to shave their body, if hair bothers me, while others apologize for their baldness.
I totally understand that you want to be at your best for our date, to be at ease with your body so you can be at ease in our relation. I can’t have the power to destroy your fears and your complexes, I don’t have the magic words to do that.
All I wanted to say here is that I don’t base my selection on your physical but on your words. I don’t need photos or your weight, I need to know you, who you are, what do you like, what are your desires, why do you want to meet me, etc. I’m looking at a man who is gentle, funny and respectful.
So, come as you are, with your “extra pounds”, your baldness, your hair, your stretch marks, your scars, etc. If I’ve chosen you, it’s because of your words and that’s all that matters to enjoy the moment. We are going to have a lot of fun and we are going to eat and drink and make love!
Je vous embrasse
