Many of you here know the story of the gentleman who came to the bar where I was with friends to tell me about his wisdom teeth operation (I touched on it briefly in my FAQ). A week later, as I was sipping my beer at the bar (Kro if you want to know, yes it’s not real beer and yes I’m capable of drinking Billecart one day and Kro the next, just as I’m capable of camping in the rain one day and walking the corridors of a palace the next, I’m all terrain), the barman told me that he’d seen “that man” again, that he seemed to be looking for me and he asked me if I wanted him to kick him out the next time. I politely declined the offer as I knew the gentleman really meant no harm and, knowing the barman, the “exit” was going to be highly humiliating (he had very limited patience with men who disturbed the women in his bar).
This example makes many people laugh, including me now, but at the time I must admit that it annoyed me a little and, even if it is an extreme case, I find it a good example to talk about the barrier between my professional life and my private life. In this case, the bartender turned into a worker who was responsible for rebuilding the barrier to protect my privacy but I would really like to avoid having a bodyguard armed with bricks (and we pronounce it parpainGs, please) to keep the invaders away. Although, now I have the image in mind and it makes me laugh a lot.
Anyway, let’s get back to it.
Since the first email, we put some barriers in place facing each other to protect our privacy, and we see, during our relationship, if we want to move these barriers or not. Some people tell me their whole life from the first email, I always found it very touching because I see a huge mark of trust. Other people need more time to share and that’s fine too. What matters to me is to let the other person decide what he wants to share or not and let things happen at their own pace.
During my meetings, I like to discuss and learn more about your life, your projects, your joys and your sorrows. It’s not at all to «study» you in a sociological way but because I am interested in the people I meet, I always find this very enriching (I learn so many things!) and it also allows me to know you better, to define your expectations, your desires, etc. However, I prefer to reassure: it is not an interrogation, you can say “Joker” at any time and I will not be offended because it is the same for me. If I don’t want to tell you things, it’s my business. We feel comfortable with these jokers and it’s important to respect them. Maybe they will evolve, maybe not.
We can each decide to keep some things to ourselves. You can decide to tell me about your family life but want to keep your job secret, it’s fine, you can even invent a professional life if you like. If you tell me that you are the Queen of England (I know, she died but she was alive when I wrote it and I didn’t want to change that) and well, listen, I will play the game because it is a barrier like any other, I do not see why I will not respect it (but you better receive me with scones, cream and jam!).
You are a spy for the KGB? Great, tell me more (or maybe not…)!
You are a unicorn breeder in Dordogne? Make me dream!
But what do I consider as barrier crossing?
The list is not really exhaustive but it can be:
• Insist on topics for which I have posed my “joker” or negotiate my limits.
Do I really need to say more?
In this same category I would also like to put those who decide on their own to move the barriers because «it’s okay, we are friends/I am in love/we have been seeing each other for a while/etc.» That’s a big NO. Imagine that I show up at a bar I love, with a bartender I adore and I decree that I pay 50% of my bill/I go behind the counter to improvise DJ/I change the decor of the bar, you would find it normal? No, absolutely not. However, since I am a friendly habitué, it happened that they left me the music controllers. And they take them off after 2 Justin Bieber and 3 Rihanna. I’m an misunderstood Djette, what do you want.
And if I refuse to see you for a reason that belongs to me (no feeling felt in relation to the mail, exceeding limits, etc.) it is useless to insist heavily. Also, it is useless to create other email addresses to try to meet me or contact a colleague to have a duo in my company. If you cannot respect a “no” then I urge you to use this free time to review the #1 lesson of relationships: consent.
• The use of any information that I have not given you directly or that is not mentioned on my site.
Let’s take an example: one day you see me enter a building with a dog, you deduce that I probably live here.
Good conduct: consider this as non-information and continue our relationship as before.
Bad behavior (we will not mention here the fact of running to catch me in the street and slap me on the cheek, we all know that this version will have a painful end for both): revealing that you hold information about me as if nothing was. For example, if you say to me, “I saw you go out with a dog this day from this place, I guess that’s where you live. It’s good that I’m often out in the corner, I could text you once in a while to have a coffee?”, is a crossing of my barriers. So, if you see me coming out of a building, in a bar having fun with friends, in a supermarket buying my weekly kilos of chickpeas or riding an Unicorne in a street, do not try to invite yourself in this space, really, all my entourage master the Parpaing brilliantly. I don’t want to be tired of dealing with people who can’t settle for this beautiful bubble and absolutely want to invade my private life. My relatives and my peace of mind will always come before this activity.
• Want me to say love words to you or wish our relationship evolves into a private one
I already addressed this theme in «A princess to save» but it is good to repeat some things because apparently some people do not feel concerned. Any relationship outside of our bubble will be impossible for the simple and good reason that my heart is already taken for a long time.
Also, I am not a person who says words of love lightly, I need to feel them to say them, it is my heart that speaks and not my mouth. I could say it to «retain» but I would lie and I wouldn’t be comfortable with that. I don’t want to play with a person’s feelings for money.
• Absolutely want to meet me “outside”
It has happened several times that a person I didn’t know wrote to me saying “I think I saw you in this street on this day”. Well already, it’s not the kind of message I like but when it is followed by a «I almost came to see you but you were with a friend», then I breathe very hard in front of my computer.
First, you have to know that EVERY time I was told that it wasn’t me. Second, it’s creepy. Our meeting can only exist in the bubble that I want to grant us, not outside. In addition to being creepy, coming to see me on the street will be deeply unpleasant for both: for me because I have no desire to be disturbed by a stranger in my private life and for you because I will not hesitate to let you know my dissatisfaction.
Consequences of overcoming the barriers
I really understand this desire to know me a little more but I want to maintain a certain barrier between my professional life and my private life. I am always sad when I see that the person is trying to break through my barriers. Even if we had a good time together, the only thing you will win is to ruin all our memories (and take a door in your head in the absence of a parpainG). I find it very unfortunate when the beautiful moments and everything you have been able to offer me are wasted in a few emails/ some sentences and that the smile you had put on my face fades to make room for sighs and eyes raised to the sky.
A meeting must remain a nice parenthesis for both of us and not a burden that weighs on my private life, on my other activities, on my sleep, on my couple, on my time for me, etc. It is out of the question that I bother putting my barriers again and again in front of someone who refuses to respect them and therefore to respect me.
In summary “By wanting more, you will get less”
For most people I meet, these barriers seem obvious, fortunately. However, I know from experience that others will say “Well no, I don’t see it like that” and show me a PowerPoint on “How Louise should put her barriers and why with me it’s not the same”. The point here is that I am talking about MY barriers. Not yours. Not those of a colleague who told you about her entire life and where you would have coffee every Sunday. Mine. So, from there, there is no «discussion» to have, if it doesn’t suit you, you are free to go elsewhere to find the relationship that will fit to your expectations.
“And, do I have the right to have barriers too?”
Of course!! To meet me, some things are not negotiable but as you could see on my site I do not ask for a photo and I offer payment methods that allow you to keep your identity for yourself (refills that can be bought in a tobacco shop). So, you choose what makes you comfortable (attention: this is MY way of functioning, do not go complain about a colleague who asks for a mandatory photo because these are ITS barriers and if it does not suit you, look elsewhere).
Everyone is different so I strongly encourage you to speak frankly about your limitations or questions about this. This will help you feel more comfortable and enjoy our tête-à-tête. For example, you can:
• Not wanting to kiss me (or want to reserve certain practices for your private life)
• Meet at the hotel instead of your place (and vice versa)
• Not to be seen in public with me (and prefer the room service or dinner made at home)
• Ask me to come in very discreet attire (jeans, sneakers, etc.)
• Ask me not to wear heels (I often get this request)
Tell me everything!
However, I have to say that, when I meet someone who refuses to tell me anything about him and his life, it tends to block me. Some will say that it is to keep the mystery, I just feel uncomfortable. I still need a minimum of connection to share a nice moment.
“And if it does happen, what do we do? Should I run as fast as possible to avoid the Parpaings?“
No, stay there!!!! Of course, we are never safe from a clumsiness, on my side as well as yours. We don’t have the same cursors on what is intimate or not, what is private or not, our education or culture play a lot of it.
We are human and as I said I like to get to know each other so I consider it normal and healthy that people want to know me a little better too (a person who is not interested in who I am would even scare me away). What matters is that I feel the person is not malicious and does not seek to come back to the charge later in one way or another. If one of us ever makes a mistake, I think it’s good to discuss it. What could seem logical to me may not be so for you. It is therefore an opportunity to discuss this together and start again hand in hand, on a beautiful basis.
Je vous embrasse
